same old same old crucial contemplations

 there are no identities lurking at the bottom of the psyche  Third Way Trans

if you want to be a girl then you are one  egg meme

is there a 'third way' that is a positive advancement from both essentialism and anti-essentialism (i.e. it has no essential existence so forget it)? can the egg meme assertion be not of an identity actually within one's genetic etc composition, but of an existential truth, an identity you can choose, validly?

as i always say, i think any political or scientific claiming of being in the same gender category as natal women should be left out of it. i don't have a woman's body, i don't have a woman's life experience. 

the identity in earnest is not 'girl' but 'trans' or 'crossdreamer'. better the former, i think increasingly.

the 'trans' identity is both delightful and disconcerting. i wanted to be a girl and i have become a (t-girl)! oh not outwardly in rl i know, but it's how i see myself and it shapes much of my life.

delightful it feels times but at other times it's uncomfortable: better to contain it - 'it's something i enjoy, it's not actually who i am'. and i have a body and a social persona to confirm that.

but i feel drawn to a fuller identification. and the fact that i do is perhaps itself reason for that fuller identification.

i remember Barbara writing at CDL that she wasn't keen on reading crossdreamers writing about their 'crossdream self or their 'female alter ego', i.e. it's just a sub-personality, the real overall self is male. increasingly i share Barbs' attitude.

you can dismiss the pull towards t-identification as just fantasy, just sexuality, or you can dismiss the resistance as a product of oppressive societal ideology.

lets do the latter. it's bolder to go with it. it's a validating of real, deep, sensitive, vital feelings, a rejection of societal indoctrination.

who exactly, then, are these trans people of whom i am one?

they are, i say, people who feel trans feelings a lot, not just a bit, not just occasionally.

there are many of us in the world, it is now known.

it does seem like cowardly denial not to regard myself as non-transitioning trans.

i remember all the times in my past, from early childhood, when i felt the pull to trans keenly. without understanding it, without any political pressure, very much despite societal attitudes.

i honor them , and proudly proclaim to myself my adult trans status.

within me i am what i feel is female.

yess! xxx