mature

 [i don't mean mature as in euphemism for old, i mean mature as in fully adult]

how can i be a mature crossdreamer?

how can i be settled, quietly assured?

it's perhaps not in the nature of a crossdreamer to be fully mature in their crossdreaming. by nature the self-interpretation is tentative, uncertain, unsettled, ghostlike. hard to grow.

yet i live with it for years. it develops. i hope that as it develops it matures.

no sudden epiphanies for me. just a gradual sinking in of an uncertain mix, a mix that is kinda consistently inconsistent. 

what is fluid never settles, yet its presence can be accepted as long-term permanent. if gone tomorrow, then back again before long.

beyond the sexual as adolescent thrill, the inherent subversive queerness as adolescent defiance, no reaching for full identification as 'woman', just an acceptance that whatever my transness is, is really there, part of me. part of me not as in 'i've got a left arm', but part of me as in, me here now, my transness is part of who is doing the feeling, thinking, writing. xxx