still forming

as a child and adolescent i crossdreamt, certainly. for the obvious reasons of the attitudes of my cultural environment i did not let my crossdreaming influence my self-image, in its formative years. what if i had done?

i don't know.

continuing uncertainty about how crossdreaming should impact upon my self-image keeps each day fresh, uncertain, adventurous. 

in the old debates at Crossdream Life i opposed the descriptions 'it's only sexual' and 'it's just a fetish' on account of the words 'only' and 'just'. i am certainly not saying i agree with the general sexual/fetish interpretation, i am saying lets not judge our crossdreaming by its causes, which in truth are very hard to know.

self-image is neither completely determined by environmental influence, nor is it completely determined by biological essence. not just nurture, not just nature. we have choice. of course the individual making the choice is not themselves free from influence, but as far as our consciousnesses are concerned, i.e. as far as we see things ourselves, we do have choices.

within my life crossdreaming has been so powerful. it's been beautiful, exciting, disconcerting and extraordinary. it does ebb and flow, though. right now i don't feel inclined to minimize or bracket off its place inside me. overall it is such a life-affirming energy: i want to affirm it.

in this middle territory in between the outer and the beneath-consciousness inner, i am still forming my gender. xx